How To Stay Young

Since I turned 30 some months back, I've been thinking a lot about aging. Sure I have a  few fine lines, but I started wondering if something more had changed from my youthful twenties. I realized that I had started to grow "old" on the inside. By "old" I don't mean "mature," or any of the other positive connotations that you could imagine. I mean tired. I mean worn out and spiritless. For a better understanding, let's contrast it with being "young."

Being young on the inside frequently coincides with being young on the outside. In my school days I was fervent, hopeful, energetic. I was idealistic.  I had an impervious resistance to settling.  I was ready for any and every adventure, and I needed very little to get by. I spent plenty of time pondering the mysteries of life, the nobility of man and the tragic beauty of human existence.

And then I finished school, and got married, and had kids, and moved, and moved, and moved some more. Looking at mysteries turned into living mysteries, the mysteries of marriage and parenthood, of the passing of time, and of physical aging in myself and others. And as paradoxical as it seems, the proximity often made it harder to see. Instead of revealing the big picture more clearly, it takes great effort to see beyond the concrete present, beyond the dirty diapers and lack of sleep, the general difficulties and anxiety of making one's way through life.  Sure, occasional intense rays of the real pierce the veil, such as at the birth of a child, but these moments are fleeting when weighed against the balance of "average" days.

I found I wasn't carried away regularly by the great transcendent things anymore - sacrificial love, honor, heroism. In fact, I wasn't even thinking of them. Unconsciously, the valid struggle for material success and financial well being was being elevated to the primary striving of my day to day, month to month. Life was becoming more about comfort than flourishing, security more than the adventure of living authentically. The subtle haze of survival mode was slowly settling over my heart. And this is the beginning of growing "old."

Sounds awful on paper, doesn't it? Worse, even, than grey hairs and crows feet! Yet it is such an easy trap to fall into. The great news is, this is one type of aging that is preventable and reversible. How is one to stay forever young? Here is what I've come up with:

Reflect. I try to spend a few moments daily to think about why I am doing what I'm doing, and really let the answer impact my actions. Everyone should take a few minutes to jot down his or her reasons, core beliefs, and goals, just to have them down, so if things get muddled and confused one only has to look so far as the journal for clarity (I also do this for individual projects, like blogging).

Discuss. Have regular discussions that go beyond the surface, either with a close friend or your spouse. These talks are absolutely necessary in a marriage. Two people can get through many difficulties if they  are united in purpose, and assured that they aren't going it alone. The lead in to such conversations is often as simple as asking, "How are you?" and waiting for a real answer.

Nourish. Feed your soul with what it needs most: the true, the good, the beautiful. These are found so readily in nature, literature, prayer, the arts, and time spent with good friends.

Does this resonate with you? How do you see beyond the daily grind?

Beautiful - Ugly

The other day I came across a French expression that was completely new to me: jolie-laide or belle-laide. These are two variations of the same concept, which, when literally translated, mean pretty-ugly and beautiful-ugly, respectively. According to the New York Times article The Unfairest of Them All (Daphne Merkin, 2005) that was my initial point of contact, this expression refers to an idea of feminine beauty that goes beyond both classical standards and cultural conceptions. Such an abstraction is difficult to pin down, as you might imagine, but the article's author writes in terms such as "the aesthetic pleasure of the visually off kilter," and a "triumph of personality over physiognomy." Such expressions seem to point to the fact that one who is belle-laide has either a certain irregularity of physical features, or some force of spirit, or possibly both, that sets her apart from the "merely" pretty.

Intrigued, I decided to do a bit of research, starting with a simple definition lookup. The results ranged from "a woman whose face is attractive despite having ugly features" (Oxford Dictionary, ouch!), to "a woman who is attractive though not conventionally pretty" (Merriam Webster), to "a woman oddly attractive, though not conventionally beautiful" (New World Dictionary, don't you just love the use of oddly here?). 

Unsatisfied, I looked for uses of it in other sources. Interestingly, all of the instances I found were non-French sources referencing this supposedly French attitude. In the 1928 German essay, Sex Appeal: A New Catchword for an Old Thing, the author references the expression, giving the [French] vernacular meaning as, "not pretty, something more than that." The article goes on to say that ultimately this "something" is reducible to sex appeal, but this is posited as the author's opinion rather than the French understanding. Going back further, the expression appears in a story published in the December 1888 - May 1889 edition (Volume 78) of Harper's New Monthly Magazine. The author uses it to describe a woman thus, "this little mother was not in the least pretty in the English or American sense, but she had a face full of deep feeling and fine character - a kind of face in French studios known as une belle laide." He goes on to describe her face as "beautifully plain." Both of these instances help flesh out an elusive concept, but at first, I was a little disappointed I didn't hear it from the horse's mouth.

Upon some reflection, my inability to find direct French references isn't a discouragement or proof of anything. It is more likely a sign of my linguistic deficiencies than anything else. Even without such references, the fact remains that the French language is the etymological source of the expression, and that the concept is un-translatable into the English language. I think of the word chic in much the same way; I'm not sure that the French go on about it the way we English speakers do, yet it is unquestionably Gallic. And even if contemporary French speakers don't use the words, looking as far as modern era French celebrities (à la Loulou de la Falaise, Jane Birkin, and Charlotte Gainsbourg, to name just a few) will evidence that their essence remains.

So what is the conclusion of all this chatter about words and expressions, and why do I care so much? The conclusion is that an entire culture has for years embraced an idea of beauty that goes beyond the idea of perfect proportion. It has enthusiastically expanded the rubric of beauty to include the wonderfully unusual and that which is irreducible to the purely physical. And you know what? This fact gladdens my heart; these types of beauty should be recognized because they are real. And, if  women have permission to believe that they are beautiful, it truly changes everything. I've been to France a couple of times, and French women are attractive, yes, and stylish, yes, but the mystique and appeal that they wield as a whole isn't located in [dare I say] mere perfection of proportion. They believe in their beauty, and so convince the rest of us. We should take a lesson.

Loulou de la Falaise, longtime muse of Yves Saint Laurent

Jane Birkin (London born actress turned French cinema star)

and her daughter, Charlotte Gainsbourg, French actress

The Myth of Genius

source

Lately I have found myself thinking a lot about lessons that I want to pass on to my kids. Often they are the sort that could begin with, "I really wish I knew this when I was younger..." One that's been on my mind recently is the problem of genius. 

One online dictionary defines genius as "exceptional intellectual or creative power or other natural ability." For as long as I can remember, I have been plagued by the concept of genius and its relation to success. I do not know where the idea originated, but I held a subconscious belief that success in one's chosen field was surely and necessarily the result of some innate, from birth, type of genius. 

Ideas have consequences. I spent the better part of college agonizing over whether or not I had genius, because in my mind, I could only be mediocre without it. I entered into every project and assignment with fear, trepidation, and expectation. Would I once and for all prove myself, or be woefully inadequate? After four years of academic successes, my anxieties remained and the mere thought of more education emotionally exhausted me.

My husband and I wanted to start a family, and as the kids came (three, nineteen months apart) I wasn't so invested in thought about it. I had stepped off the treadmill, and uneasily glanced back only occasionally. Maybe my shift in thought came as a result of this distance. Maybe it was the new perspective that living in the "real world"  (though I hate that expression...) afforded me, seeing real people achieving real successes in their chosen work, and also exposure to some great resources, but I came to recognize the myth of genius. 

The life truth that I want my children to know from a young age is this: Genius isn't the key to success, or even a necessary component; it can actually be a distraction or a pitfall if overly emphasized or relied upon.  True and lasting success is ultimately the result of integrity of character, hard work, and productive methods of problem solving. 

I think that an earlier grasp of this reality would have allowed greater joy into the ventures of my younger self and dispelled the discouragement that so often haunted my steps. Such thinking also changes the mental paradigm from, "Am I good enough?" to "If anything is possible, is this good enough (i.e. a worthwhile goal)?"

Hopefully one day my children will read this. And hopefully, if there is some idea, some project, some goal stirring in your head and heart today, you will put aside your fears of inadequacy. Put aside the suspicions of self and and ask whether you really want to achieve that goal, and if it is worth it. If the answers are yes, go for it! 

P.S. If you are looking for some resources to help jumpstart your bid for life successes, I highly recommend this book and this book.