Thursday, October 10, 2013

Restrained Mirth

TAM Time

Life is loaded with awkward moments. So much so that people have seen fit to disregard the normal rules of syntax for the sake of more easily sharing their awkward moments. As a rule, writers are warned against beginning sentences with “that.” In conversation, when “that” does begin a sentence, it generally refers back to something previously mentioned. In our current day in age, “that” has become the leader of awkward moments. That awkward moment when...

It seems that our conversation format is continually digressing toward the mere exchange of status updates. And of these updates, I would guess that 30% to 43% are classified as awkward moments. I’m amazed that some people can function as their lives are seemingly comprised of closer to 99% awkward moments and 1% normal living*. But then again, I’ve heard some pretty un-awkward moments dramatically stated.

Person: That awkward moment when you try to open the door and it is locked! 

Me: So then what? You grabbed your key and unlocked it?

Person: Yeah, but man was it awkward when I tried to open it like 7 times...

Me: That’s not awkward, that’s stupid. People try to open locked doors all of the time, that’s how you can tell if they are locked or not. But then, the people that aren’t stupid, quit trying to open the locked door, or they just use the key to unlock it.

So I would guess that people’s lives aren’t always as awkward as they would like them to be for the sake of their egotistical Facebook awkwardness. There are however, those situations that are legitimately awkward, funny, and worth sharing.

I have experienced a few awkward moments in my own life, but only enough for an occasional blog post. I have found it funnier to speculate over potential awkward moments and have had some recent fun in textversation with my brother Luke, sharing these musings. Some are legitimately awkward, some are funny, and I think they are all worth sharing.

So without further ado, and content with my normal life full of “that normal moment when...,”** I present you with a few fancies that my brother and I found funny. And for the sake of being cool and consistent with my recent texts, I’ll simply begin with “TAM” – That Awkward Moment.

TAM 1...
Tony: TAM when you’re brushing your teeth and then you see your toothbrush where it always is and you realize you’ve been using your screwdriver that you left in the bathroom when you were working on the sink earlier.

Luke: If that don’t “drive” you crazy I don’t know what will. 

Tony: I know. That’s “screwed” up! I should call Dr. “Phil-ip” 

TAM 2...
Luke: TAM when you realize that you have filled your dish scrubber with honey.***

Tony: Hehehe

TAM 3...
Tony: TAM when you realize it’s not “All About the Benjamins” and your life is suddenly without purpose.

TAM 4...
Luke: TAM when you have invested everything you have into a Hotcakes restaurant, only to discover that they don’t actually sell that well.

TAM 5...
Tony: TAM when the prodigal son tells his dad to hold the fattened calf because he’s actually gone vegan.

Tony: Wouldn’t want to be there when that goes down. Aaawwwwwkwaaaaard... “Uh, hey dad, yeah... um... I mean, first of all, jeez thanks for everything, but uh... there’s something I want to tell you before you start preparing food for the party... So, there’s this new diet...”

TAM 5 continued...
Tony: TAM when the father stops the faithful son’s complaint about slaughtering the fattened calf only to tell him that there’s been a change of plans and they’re actually going to do up special the season’s best algae. And then TAM when the son still gets mad, just because he’s jealous. And the Father says, “Really? You’re seriously mad about that?”

TAM 6...
Tony: TAM when your friend points out to you that it’s “awkward,” not “hawk bird.” But you say you knew all along and defend all that you’ve said: that hawkbird moment when you come around and all the other birds stop chirping, that hawkbird moment when you circle your prey, that hawkbird moment when you dig in your talons, that hawkbird moment when you take a nose dive, that hawkbird moment when... Then TAM when you friend points out to you how creepy those statements have been all along and that there’s a reason you’re still single.

I realize I could go on and on with this. If you’ve enjoyed it at all and would like to see a second installment of TAM Time, let me know with some comments. Otherwise, you guessed it, “TAM when you check your blog post and there’s only one comment, and it’s from your sister: ‘we still love you Tone... but I’ve decided to replace your humor column with a weekly video upload of paint drying. Thanks for all of your hard work though. Paint something and send me a video. I’ll see if I can work it in – fall colors are great right now’.”

*This 1% must be those rare times when there isn’t a fly in the glass of water, or sleep isn’t riddled with bizarre dreams of an anteater-led apocalypse, or the toothpaste doesn’t taste like pickles, or... just other non-awkward moments (normal moments).
**Normal doesn’t signify boring. It’s a great life. There certainly is an element of subjectivity to awkwardness. In fact, someone once tried to convince me that I wasn’t really that funny (even though she could barely keep from laughing when she was around me), but that I was just awkward. “Uh ok. Thanks. I guess.” That’s kind of like, “you’re not really that smart, you just know a lot, get all of the right answers, and you wear glasses.”
***This one is my personal favorite. That really would be the worst, but amazing at the same time. A “sticky” situation...

Tony is currently finishing his MBA. He resides with his lovely wife in Cincinnati, Ohio and is kind enough to contribute his humorous perspective in this regular column, Restrained Mirth.


  1. Totally agree. I scroll right past the "TAM" posts on my facebook newsfeed. so I guess for all those people who post them it would be TAM when nobody reads your awkward moment posts because they aren't actually awkward or funny. LOVE your version of the prodigal son....

  2. TAM memes bother me mainly b/c they're incomplete sentences. ;-)


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